my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
