I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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