I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
