I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She's the barista slut.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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