I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
