No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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