She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
