Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
