God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
