This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
