Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
