Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
