The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
