you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
