So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
