I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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