My first STD was from a foam party
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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