i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
