It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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