I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
