apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
