I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
