I smell stomach acid.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I could make wine with my vomit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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