What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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