You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
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in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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