Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
