mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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