i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
