There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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