If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
