There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
