I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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