We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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