I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
