Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
