The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
