so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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