my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
