Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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