I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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