How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
