she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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