just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
