PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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