Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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