so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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