Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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