I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
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I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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