I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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