Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The best revenge is premature balding
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why is there bacon in the couch?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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