I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
