well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
