My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
