It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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