I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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