you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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