Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
