You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
