Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
