Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
