You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How external is "for external use only"?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
