Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
