Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
