how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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