Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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