she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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